"I Go Home" by Sarah Calvert
For the past few months I’ve been reflecting on the notion of “home” and what it means to me. Last week I celebrated Mum’s life on the anniversary of her death (I know, it sounds a bit contradictory) and brought in such feelings of gratitude, as I remembered so many memories. This grief has shifted immensely in the past couple of years, but particularly in this past year. It could be time, my spiritual practice and evolution, or just more and more acceptance of what is. Regardless, while I sat and remembered her, I had pangs of homesickness. I remember 137 Shanty Bay Road as the place where my life was formed from the time I was four until I left home at 19. There, we celebrated, grieved the loss of loved ones, danced, made music, ate many feasts, laughed and cried watching movies and listening to music. We spent days at the boathouse swimming, waterskiing, drinking Molson Export and having parties into the wee hours of the morning. Yes, this place was home for me.
I then chatted on FaceTime with my dear brother from another mother who is living in my cabin in Nelson, and I could see on the screen my other “home” where I have so many fond memories of making music, sitting in my outdoor tub under the stars, snowshoeing with Babaji the mountain dog, walking along the creek in the shade during the hot summer months. I also have the not so great memories of having to kill mice, freezing my ass off in the winter and dealing with frozen pipes. That being said, this too has been a home.
And yet, this feeling of homesickness was not for a certain place. I’ve made homes all over the world: Peru, Antigua, all over BC, Toronto, Nicaragua and now Costa Rica. But last week I came to the realization that these are actually just places, and houses to put my stuff. This unease actually comes from a place of not feeling at home in myself. I see that last week I wasn’t really meditating consistently, and have been extremely social with dance events, parties, potlucks and overall “busy-ness”. It’s been great to connect with so many beautiful people, and I’m grateful that here we CAN connect with each other in social ways, but I wasn’t taking time for myself.
Mum’s anniversary was a great touchstone for me to slow down and take time to just be, breathe, reflect and do nothing. Of course I know the importance of going inside and taking time for stillness; I’ve been on this path for a long time. I guess I just forgot and got taken off track. I took a couple of days to be in silence (mostly) and a lot of stillness, journalling, watching a bit of Gangaji and Sadhguru, dancing by myself, doing yoga and breathing. Wow. What an instant way to recalibrate.
I have no idea how long I’ll be here in Costa Rica, but am not feeling called in the near future to head north. I’m feeling like I’d like to plant some roots here, possibly looking for another house to buy. No matter where this vessel may be though, I recognize the importance of being at home, here in myself. I wrote this song a few weeks ago as a reminder to myself that I am always at home. We are always at home, and this home is peaceful and filled with joy: our birthright and our natural state.
Question for You: “When do you feel most at home?”
I’d love to hear from you, as we are all in this together.
As always, infinite gratitude for being part of this journey.
Love and Light,