Sarah Calvert

"I feel it all, I feel it all." Feist

My guru: Olive with her new ukulele.

It’s the first week of January, and as always, like so many of us, I find myself reflecting about the last year, and pondering the upcoming year. That being said, I haven’t set any New Year’s resolutions, except to continue on this journey of healing (ears and immune system) and to enjoy this precious life (skiing, music, hanging with friends and family, more skiing etc). The past few days have found me in a bit of a tip; waking up with a bit of anxiety about planning the building of the cabins and all of the choices that go along with that, and wondering about whether I’m making the right decision. Then, by mid-day, that subsides as I’m usually outside in nature, which always feeds my soul and calms my heart. In the afternoon I can get a bit melancholy or grumpy because my blood sugar is usually low. Man. What a ride.

I was thinking about this today and thought about something that one of my teachers told me during our last visit. My teacher’s name is Olive. She’s four. She's kind of like a Doogie Howser guru. As a surrogate “auntie” I have the pleasure of spending time with her every few months when I visit her mum, my best friend Laura. Last visit we where lying in bed after story time and we were talking about her day. She had awoken in a good mood and had been busily chatting during breakfast, “I want Sawah Calvewt to come sit by me. Come sit here Sawah Calvewt! I love my smoothie!” and so forth. After daycare, she came home and was tired. She was fussy and started whining about anything she could. Nothing Laura could do or say would appease her. After a nap, she came into the living room refreshed and happily played and bounced around before dinner. She didn’t like what was being served at dinner and her parents had to try everything they could to get her to eat. Again. She had the grumps. They somehow diminished after dinner and she smiled and jumped around the living room shouting, “I want Sawah Calvewt to read me a story! I want to have a sleep over downstairs with her!) And so we did. And this is where we had our chat about the day. I asked her if she was feeling better than she was during the afternoon and she told me that it was “weird” that she felt so much in a day. “Sometimes I’m happy, then I get sad. Then sometimes I get really mad! I don’t know why…I just do. Sometimes, I’m everything!” Indeed, aren’t we always “everything”? 

This touched my heart so much that I almost cried. How many times had I tried to resist the times of the day when I don’t feel my shiniest? When I feel like immediately selling the cabin when the pipes freeze and I’m wearing my down jacket mid-day inside, swearing and cursing my decision to move back here. Or when I’m feeling tired and sick of another damn ear infection getting me down. I told her that it’s okay to feel grumpy and mad, because we know that eventually, we’ll feel happy and want to laugh. As I told her this, I realized I was telling myself the same thing. I need to give myself permission more to just feel how I am feeling, and not try to cheer myself up with distractions (movies, exercise etc).  Of course there’s a fine line between feeling a bit blue and wallowing for days in the same pyjamas and eating three bags of Cool Ranch Doritos a day. That’s not healthy. But it’s also not healthy to avoid what our soul is saying to us. I like the song by Feist, “I Feel it All” and I’m encouraging myself to indeed feel it all and not worry too much about not being on my “A” game all the time. Today, the pipes are still frozen and there is still water in my laundry tub from the other day when it overflowed all over the floor. So, I can’t do laundry until it warms up. I sit in front of the warm fire, listening to Babji (the sweet pooch I’m taking care of until summer) breathe, and feel content. I’m enjoying this peace because I know it won’t last forever. Today, like every other day, I am everything.

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